Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Hey Dot! Reader mail from the great beyond

Hey Dot!

The county executive race is a big snoozer except for your coverage. Why aren't journalists more like you anymore?

Signed, Henry Gomez, PD political reporter

Dear Hank,

You're still on the beat? I thought you went brain dead 5 years ago! Congrats! Listen honey, the profession died with me. Hell, last time I graced the mortals with my presence in 2006, journalism was already an embalmed zombie. You people wouldn't know news if Hal Lebovitz shoved Boris Yeltsin's penis up his own ass in your living room. (which just happened last night at Pete Franklin's...ahem...."tailgate").  Lucky for you, I'm on this beat. Keep hitting refresh, I know you're at least good at that!

Hey Dot!

You died so long ago, I've never heard of half the people you're hangin' out with upstairs. Is there a primer somewhere?

Signed, Young 'Un

Dear YU,

Is everybody lazy down there? Jesus Christ. In the afterlife, we have hyperlinks too! Which make it into my blog! Click them! Learning is fun. There's also Google.  Or, talk to your grandparents. I know that's a bit square, but back in the day, we used to respect our elders at least enough to attempt to have normal conversation with them once in a while. If even that's too much work, there's probably a high profile columnist position at the PD for ya.

Hey Dot!

How can I cover news if I don't get a press release from a shiny PR firm representing a billionaire client whose party line is already pre-approved by my editors? I'm so confused.

Signed, Ted Diadiun, PD whore

Dear Ted,

No, I still won't sleep with you.

Hey Dot!

What's your favorite cocktail?

Signed, Paulius

Dear Paulius,

You got a lotta nerve showin' up in my inbox when you haven't named a drink after me yet. What's so hard about "The Fuldheim"?  If you can't bring your pure as the driven snow self to use my name, maybe you could call it "The Sam Miller Dalliance", or "the Ed Scripps Romp". Get creative! I like 'em stiff, so don't be stingy.

And that's Reader Mail! Back to pounding the pavement for my scoop.

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