My client, a woman not Ed FitzGerald's wife, has demanded I send out cease and desist letters to anyone (a) mentioning the missing person's report her husband filed on her, (b) alleging this combines with her recent Clerk of Courts gig to form a CLE sex scandal worthy of Joel Rose sending panties through the mail (who I do remember, vaguely), and (c) journalists. Please help. Who are all these dead people you hang out with? I need full legal names and addresses.
Yours,This is the most popular question in reader mail - "WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?" - Really? You never heard of Margaret Bourke White? I suppose you never heard of "school" either. Betty Cope takes this the hardest - all those years riding a stuffed zebra like Lady Godiva whoring herself out to sell a few used candleabras during her "auction" took quite a toll. Ghoulardi likes to pick at that scab with a spectacular zebra-vibrator-leather-harness act on the weekends. In my day, journalists wished people would sue them. Begged for it. So fire away, shit stain! Aint' my job to make sure you never get a "return to sender". Besides, there's Google. We'll shove your cease and desist letter up Ghoulardi's zebra's you know what, then use it as a dildo.
Clerk of Courts Andrea Rocco's two bit hack attorney
I got a cease and desist letter from the attorney of a woman not Ed FitzGerald's wife who was reported missing by her husband once, a report which I have seen with my own eyes! Now, she's Clerk of Courts! Is this a story? I don't know what to do. Normally, I'd chase this attorney into the bathroom to catch him jacking off into the toilet paper dispenser, because that shit is money! But, I'm a coward. What to do?
Tom Meyer, WKYC Investigator
Kids, Ol' Dot is used to her "competitors" wagging their dicks around claiming they already got the scoop I'm chasing. Picture me holding my heaving bosom in your face - then suck it, Tommy. I'll pour a shot of Four Roses down my love cleavage to make it palatable. For once in your piss ant gutter chasing life report some actual news.
My wife has been fellating her way up the county government ladder for years, (kinda like that lesbian Episcopal priest you covered once) but I took it personal for a minute and filed a missing persons report shot across her bow, which in hind sight looks rather rash. I asked Kevin Coughlin for advice, he said toss a few cease and desist letters around, don't worry, they're all cowards, they'll all spike it. But now, I'm nervous, as my wife isn't the only "woman not Ed FitzGerald's wife". Can I count on your colleagues to stay mum?
Philip Palmer, Clerk of Courts hubby
Careful who you refer to as Ol' Dot's "colleagues", sparky. I don't have any "colleagues" left in CLE journalism, which died with me. Don't worry, in two months, no one will care how your wife sashayed up the ol' food chain. Betting on CLE media to live in mortal fear of wifey's lawyer for 2 months is a pretty solid bet, so why not join the fun! Here in the great beyond, if 15 minutes pass without a Caligulan orgy breaking out, the party's a dud. Yolo!
While a prosecutor, mayor, and county executive, I've been fucking everything that walks while not being a licensed or insured driver for about 10 years. Living above the law I enforce with an iron fist for political gain has been great, I even got myself one fine-ass Clerk of Courts out of it. Now that I'm running for governor, I'd like to use this to my advantage politically so I can take another step in my birthright destiny toward POTUS. Please advise.
Ed FitzGerald, Cuyahoga County Executive
Let that freak flag fly, son! For pointers, scroll through my blog. Ralph Perk has a few go-to moves you might like to try on for size. Be careful, though, Tom Johnson tends to seek out whores like you for some righteous schadenfreude come uppance. Which can briefly get ugly before he makes you the star of the show in a dog cage.
Back to the shoe leather.