More evidence journalism died with me - Lists used to be what real journalists drooled out over their 5th Tom Collins at the Theatrical. Now, it's a tawdry "business model" for fraudulent hacks. In the spirit of such year end self flagellation, I, the queen of all Cleveland journalism (name one since 1973 that's had a bumper sticker like that ^^. You can't.), interviewed my Top 10 Hottest Dead Cleveland Celebrities!
But wait!! To add that extra multiplier of incestuous pointlessness, I asked each which Cleveland Celebrity mortal still living they'd like to fuck. (Mortal I'd Like to Fuck - MILF - get it? Shoot me now.) To our hotties!
10. Casey Coleman. May not look like much, but Casey's got a tongue move down below that just won't quit. MILF - "Jimmy Haslam's wife. I bent over for that organization long enough to deserve it."
8 & 9. The Van Sweringens. Up here, I call 'em
Front & Back. Which is which gets confusing. MILF - Oris - "Being whiny ass oh-so-sensitive industry titans, we require body cavities sufficiently lubricated by bulbous throbbing veiny corporate pile driving already - thus, a foursome with Plain Dealer Publisher Terrence Egger and his online editor Denise Polverine will do." Mantis - "Sounds delightful."
7. Peter B. Lewis. New in town, but boy does Ol' Pete know
how to jump to the front of a line. MILF - "I'd bend George Voinovich over a stockade while Jay Westbrook straps on a tire iron from behind as Benny Bonnano spanks his face with a dead walleye. I'll just watch."
6. Margaret Bourke White. Madge goes down
like a floor polisher. MILF - "Liz Claman may be a corporate mouthpiece stock pump and dump frigid prude, but I'd make a woman outta her."
5. Stella Walsh. Woman? Man? Both? No one knew. Up here, that's called a party. MILF - "With all the chasing public masturbators, Tom Meyer sure looks like he needs a gender bending walk on the wild side. Or is it Bill Sheil? Carl Monday? Jesus Christ, how many of these douchecocks are out there? I'll do 'em all."
4. Fannie Lewis. Famously referred to Mayor Mike White as a "Judas goat" (?wtf?), so Fannie didn't disappoint. "
Joe Roman of Greater Cleveland Partnership. Can't think of a better two-bit low rent pimp to have an old black lady from Hough ride him like a mechanical mule until his dick rips off, which would make a nice charm bracelet."
3. Paul Newman. Everybody upstairs drives to this guy's hoop constantly. So imagine my surprise at his MILF - "Ted Henry. I'm a sucker for a toupe that resembles my ass hair." Editor's note: Having spent a career sitting next to that toupe, it looks more like
my ass hair.
2. Judy Resnik. A fling with an astronaut is the coup de grace here in the great beyond. Plus, that big 80's do is stuck with her in perpetuity, which apparently people like. MILF - "Dick Goddard. Always had a thing for that crazy old deviant. Zero gravity might help keep him, you know,
ready."
1. Ghoulardi. This spot is usually reserved for yours truly, but one can't make a list with oneself at the top and still call oneself a journalist, besides, everyone already knows
my MILF. Biggest get in the CLE afterlife, everybody knows it, so does he. Goes straight to this raving lunatic's head, as evidenced by his MILF.
"All of 'em. Who doesn't want to hit the sack with Ghoulardi? Oxnard!" Always with the Oxnard.
"You can't cough up one name?" He's still a bit jealous of
my recent fling with Betty Cope.
"You're the only one for me, Dot." Tiny cartoon hearts pop out his head like he's Pepe Le Pew. Soon we're bouncing on his waterbed like a couple wildebeests goin' through lube like it's nickel beer night.
A fine way to end Christmas vacation! Happy New Year, and stay tuned! Back to work chasing down my scoop.
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