Thursday, December 12, 2013

EXCLUSIVE! My interview with Tim Russo, County Executive Candidate

They don't call me the Patron Saint of All Cleveland Journalism for nothing, kids. After a trip to the bowels of hell, a roll in the hay with an old flame, some sleuthing, guess who gets the scoop.  So let's get right to it.

DF:  Nice Christmas tree.

TR:  Thanks! It's an honor to have you here.

DF: Flattery'll get you nowhere, kid.

TR: Coffee? Tea?

DF: Got any gin?

TR: At this hour?

DF: Honey, hours, time of day, means nothing in the afterlife. Let's cut to the chase. What's this about some trouble you got into 12 years ago?

TR: Well....(phone rings)

DF: ....excuse me, I gotta take this.  Hello? Hello? These infernal contraptions....oh, drat, how the hell do I pick up this call?

TR: Just press that button right there, Ms. Fuldheim.

DF: ....HELLO? WHO'S THERE???? ANSWER ME!!!  Ghoulardi? What the hell do you want, I'm in the middle of an interview.

TR: Tell him I said "Stay Sick!!"

DF: One at a time for christ's sake! What? Ok, Ok, I know, I KNOW. Allright already! Goodbye. How do I hang up....

TR: Press that button there....What did he want?

DF: He wants to know if I'm gonna go see Sam Miller.

TR: So it's true!!

DF: Sweetheart, you need to mind your own business.

TR: You know he's still around down here.

DF: I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, kid. You want me to go from here all the way to the east side? In this weather?

TR: If you need a ride...

DF: NEVER MIND! Allright, let's get back to it. So...where were we?

TR: You were askin me about...... (phone rings again)

DF: DRAT! These phones! Why did you people invent this ridiculous machine?

TR: Press that button right there again, Ms. Fuldheim.

DF: HELLLOOOO?????  Who's this? Oh, I can't hear a thing, can you help me young man?

TR: Sure, gimme the phone. Hello?

DF: Why me.

TR: It's Elliott Ness. He's askin if you want extra vodka in the hairy buffalo tonight.

DF: GIVE ME THAT PHONE. Ness? What the hell do you think, do whatever you want, I'm busy. Can you hang this up for me again please?

TR: Sure, ma'am.

DF: Now, back to the (phone rings again)

TR: Still popular as ever!

DF: HELLLOOOO?? Who's there? WHO IS IT? Listen, if you people think you're gonna get away with this......

TR: You know, you can actually turn the phone off so it doesn't ring.

DF: Shut up kid, you do know I interviewed Hitler.

TR: Yes, Ms. Fuldheim, so sorry.

DF: ....hello? HEEELLLLOOOO? I think that bastard just hung up on me.

TR: Who?

DF: Bob Hope. Still a prankster....oh why me. Tells me Madge is tryin' to beat me to the punch. Well, she's got another thing comin'.

TR: We can do this another time if you want.

DF: Listen kid, I gotta go. Can you call me a taxi?

TR: A taxi? That'll take forever.

DF: Isn't there a trolley nearby?

TR: I can give you a ride, where do you need to go?

DF: If you tell anyone you took me to Sam Miller's pad, I'll send Barnaby down here to torment you with his magic parrot.

TR: I thought.....

DF: No questions kid. I'll be the talk of the town upstairs if I can pull this off. I'll show those old coots.

TR: Lemme get my coat. (phone rings again)

DF: Please tell me how to shut this damn thing off.

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