What a dud my scoop turned out to be. All that work I did dodging Tom Johnson's fists, chasing dentists, crawling up Tom Brazaitis's hairy ass and whatnot led to the same old story - a seething maggot pit of incestuous whores. What else is new. Dot's got the cure - reader mail!
Business is great, next decade looks even better. I need some advice. Where can I actually spend all this taxpayer money I live off of like a cockroach on a pile of dung? I'm feeling bloated.
Yours, Joe Roman
Hey Joe! You have to die and get up here before seeing anything good enough to justify that kinda money. Pretty soon, though, you won't be able to squeeze any more blood from that turnip. Just ask Bob Hughes. Better find a Plan B!
I'm from Tennessee. This whole urban midwest gritty working class ethnic thing is makin' me thirsty. Can you recommend a local champagne that these dopes will think is Polish?
Yours, Jimmy Haslam
Hey Jimmy! Get with the program. Today's CLE is a 216 Logo NEO Synergy Incubator Corridor NEOMG "THIS IS" hashtag gutteral snort sounding meaningless acronym suitable for a grant application. Ain't nothin' working class ethnic about it, you can bet your rootin' tootin' craft ale on that, Mr. Home Boyyyyy. Stick with the Dom Perignon.
Big problem. These billionaires' hot pokers up my ass are starting to chafe. I don't mind that one end comes out my mouth with C notes on a spike, but I'm so sensitive...you know...down there. Help!
Yours, NEOMG Editor Chris Quinn
Hey Chris! Man up and lube up. Everyone knows that since I kicked the bucket journalism in CLE died with me. Your destiny is to channel cash, out your mouth, no matter which orifice it enters through, for eternity. Who do you think you are, Betty Cope?