Saturday, March 22, 2014

Ted Stepien spikes the punch, steals party favors

No one knows how Ted Stepien got through the pearly gates instead of ending up with Art Modell getting chewed upon by Satan himself for eternity. Gib Shanley thinks he bribed St. Peter's intern. Nev Chandler's theory involves Ted sweet talkin' Mary Magdalene...somehow? Among dead CLE media celebrities in the great beyond, Stepien is the skunk at the party.

My scoop has gone a bit sideways, now that Stepien's filthy out of town progeny are bellying up to the public teat for another boondoggle on the taxpayer nickel. So I head over to Elliot Ness's Del Donahoo welcome party to pick his brain, figure out who's whoring out to whom, which is hard, since practically every hoi paloi in CLE is bent over Jimmy Haslam's knee with a crow bar up their ass.

Well, we've been waitin' for Del Donahoo to kick the bucket for a long time, so the place is packed. Every dead CLE media celebrity is cuttin' a rug, Del's Folks got him up on a chair over their heads while Frankie Yankovic plays the Hava Nagila. Me and Ness are whispering sweet nothings to each other at the punch bowl, when Ted Stepien slinks over, pretends he's looking for something, then disappears.

Ten minutes later we're all trippin' like Ken Kesey's bus. Barnaby is wavin' his arms making barking noises, Tom Brazaitis is staring into the underside of his finger nails, Betty Cope is tryin' to put her head through her legs and fold herself into a question mark. This of course leads to the most epic orgy scene this side of Caligula. Hours later, we're coming to, need to come down easy, so we head to Peter B. Lewis's for some chronic.

Everybody's weed is gone. All of it. Turns out Stepien was the seven headed lizard spider octopus vampire squid ostrich....thing we all saw reaching into our pockets before the orgy started. Well, you don't tug on Superman's cape, and you don't take Peter Lewis's herb. Lewis sent Ghoulardi and Arnold Pinckney to Stepien's place, retrieved the goods, and left Stepien in a straight jacket with an eight ball in his mouth.

This scoop is taking it's toll!

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