Brrrr! It's colder than Jenny Crimm's left nipple in Cleveland these days. Luckily, I'm dead and in heaven, where it's summer all the time, and we don't have to pay a wit's attention to Don Webster's flailing "forecasts" anymore. To the mailbag!
Hey Dot! Any advice for hemorrhoids? My sphincter is so red and chafed from my corporate overlords pounding it up my innards, I can't even sit on the toilet, so I'm just crapping myself involuntarily. Please help.
Yours, Chris Quinn, VP Northeast Ohio Media Group (NEOMG)
NEOMG? Is that the sound your ass makes involuntarily soiling your Dockers? Try this - look in the mirror, and beseech my name over and over again like casting a magic spell. Bubble bubble toil and soil, please Dorothy soothe my encrusted ass boils. You're on your own, kid.
Hey Dot! I went to the Velvet Tango Room and asked for your cocktail. Ha! There still isn't one! Bite it you old hag!
Yours, Mike Polk Jr., Comedian
I consulted Barnaby on this, the Great Beyond's resident alky. Tells me a "craft cocktail" ain't like sluggin' down Four Roses straight from the bottle, so give Mr. Rick's Cafe a little time. Whatever. If that prancing dandy knows what's good for him, he'll hop to it. Maybe he's still waiting for Sam Miller to kick the bucket.
Hey Dot! I'd like to offer you the position of press secretary for my campaign. Interested?
Yours, Tim Russo, Democrat for County Executive
What planet you live on? Ol' Dot don't pimp for no one, kid. You're lucky I don't send Otto Graham down there right now to drop kick your ass into the next milenium. Besides, can't you find a suitably whored out tool slut...oops!...I mean "journalist" with a byline among the mortals? Dime a dozen, plus the byline makes it look legit!
Hey Dot! I just got traded to Cleveland, and they tell me you da shizzle. But your blog is so confusing! I don't know any of these playas, I'm lost! Please help.
Yours, Luol Deng, new Cavaliers center
Kid, you are so fucked. This reminds me of a party at Ted Stepien's. Nate Thurmond and Jimmy Chones were drivin' pretty strong to Ol' Dot's hoop, Austin Carr slides into the lane, smokes 'em both, we end up in Stepien's waterbed throwin' the hammer down. Don't worry, Brian WindWhorest will probably hitch himself to your wagon eventually for his summer of Lebron pimping, saddle up and ride that big ball o' creosote!
That's reader mail! Back to burning the shoeleather for my scoop.